Mr. Garrison starts the day off with a special announcement; one of South Park's own has won a national essay contest. Everyone is shocked to learn that the winner is Cartman, who doesn't even remember what he wrote about.

Stan's got a new dog named Sparky. Stan proclaims his pet to be the toughest dog on the mountain. Though while Stan thinks his dog is ready for fighting, Sparky proceeds to hump Sylvester like a little bitch. The other boys taunt Stan about his gay dog and Sparky runs away to find someone who will love him for who he is.

Stan notices a new addition in their bus stop crew, an elephant standing alongside Kyle. At school, class lessons for the day involve genetic engineering (conveniently enough). Kyle questions the possibility of a genetically engineered elephant made smaller by design. The boys have to beat the rough kids in their genetics experiment, and will try anything to do it.

"Happy Birthday" to Stan's Grandpa Marsh who just turned 102. How does the wizened Mr. Marsh feel about his birthday? He sums it up in five words; "I wish I were dead" and proceeds trying to end his life enlisting Stan to do it for him. However, Stan is aware of a very important thing if he kills his grandfather, he'd be in trouble, and if he's in trouble he can't watch Terrance and Phillip.

The first Halloween episode starts off with the failure of the Mir Space Station, which crashes right on Kenny. An ambulance comes and takes his body off to the morgue. The boys start to brag about their Halloween costumes. At the morgue, a freak accident involving a bottle of Worcestershire sauce occurs, and next thing you know Kenny is a member of the undead. Kenny breaks free and wanders off into the night.

The four boys are at Cartman's house watching the "Terrance & Philip Thanksgiving Special" on television. During a break from the show, a Sally Struthers commercial convinces the boys that the prospect of a free "Taiko" sport watch with a five-dollar donation is irresistible. Typical greedy American youth. So Stan dials in, using his mother's credit card number and makes their donation.

South Park Elementary is on stage rehearsing for the schools play. Kyle begins to sing a song about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Of course, no one has any idea what the heck he's singing about. Kyle explains that Mr. Hankey comes every year to all the good boys and girls who have a lot of fiber in their diet. Everyone thinks he's insane and he gets sent to a mental institute.

Eric is handing out invitations to his birthday party at school. Mr. Garrison informs them all that there is a new student joining the class. Announcing to all that he is Damien, the son of Satan. Even as Damien demonstrates his demonic powers the children are more loathsome than impressed.

Mr. Garrison deserts the class for a visit to Tom's Rhinoplasty. All the boys compete for the attention of their beautiful substitute teacher Ms. Ellen.

The boys meet up with Barbara Streisand who wants to take over the world with Kyle's discovery at an archaeological dig. Leonard Maltin, Sydney Potier, and Robert Smith come to the rescue to defeat Babs and her terrible destruction.

Cartman needs to find out who his father is but his mom is no help. Learning that his father could be one of the many people that his mom had "relations" with during an annual party called "The Drunken Barn Dance", he finds that there's more to his mother than he thought.